I have a new blog about my experiences as I teach myself how to be a concierge. Please check it out.
http://blather.concierge-me.com/
5.14.2008
7.25.2007
Make it stop!
Goddammit! This fucking hurts!! Saying goodbye is killing me! I've never experienced anything like this before and I want it to fucking stop right now. If I could suddenly--secretly--get on a plane tomorrow, I would!
I've said Sayounara so many times in the last four days. I've had dinners and drinks and lunches and a lot of fun. But then comes a moment that is fucking scarring me.
You're standing on a sidewalk, traffic passing all around you, outside of a bar or restaurant where you just had another memorable time with someone you love. And you're saying goodbye and exchanging formalities in preparation for walking your separate ways, as you have countless times before with this friend or friends. And then the moment comes. You realize and they realize and everyone realizes that everyone else realizes that this is IT: Quite likely the last moment you will ever spend together, despite the depth of your friendship, despite the wonderful memories you share. You want to express to them how you feel about them--how you admire them and wish you could spent your days with them as you have for the last year and how you wish them the very best in the future and wish you could hold their hand through those troubles too and and and--but words in any language are insufficient to express this complex a feeling.
And there's a timeless instant when your eyes meet and you want to say something--fucking ANYTHING goddammit!!--and you turn. And take the first step away from them.
And feel the gut punch like they fucking dropped dead on the sidewalk behind you. And best of all, you're the one who's leaving so you're the one who killed them.
Ya like that bitch?! Well, guess what. You're doing it again and again and again and AGAIN, every day until next fucking Tuesday! And best of all--you saved the closest friends for last...That's right--it's only gonna get WORSE, motherfucker! MUCH worse! How do ya like me now?!
I hate it. And I want it to stop.
I understand now why they say reverse culture shock is harder than the first culture shock. It's not about the culture you're returning to. Who gives a shit about that now? You grew up in it, didn't you? No, it's about the three-dozen funerals you attended before you left.
I am not done crying. I fear I may have hardly begun.
I've said Sayounara so many times in the last four days. I've had dinners and drinks and lunches and a lot of fun. But then comes a moment that is fucking scarring me.
You're standing on a sidewalk, traffic passing all around you, outside of a bar or restaurant where you just had another memorable time with someone you love. And you're saying goodbye and exchanging formalities in preparation for walking your separate ways, as you have countless times before with this friend or friends. And then the moment comes. You realize and they realize and everyone realizes that everyone else realizes that this is IT: Quite likely the last moment you will ever spend together, despite the depth of your friendship, despite the wonderful memories you share. You want to express to them how you feel about them--how you admire them and wish you could spent your days with them as you have for the last year and how you wish them the very best in the future and wish you could hold their hand through those troubles too and and and--but words in any language are insufficient to express this complex a feeling.
And there's a timeless instant when your eyes meet and you want to say something--fucking ANYTHING goddammit!!--and you turn. And take the first step away from them.
And feel the gut punch like they fucking dropped dead on the sidewalk behind you. And best of all, you're the one who's leaving so you're the one who killed them.
Ya like that bitch?! Well, guess what. You're doing it again and again and again and AGAIN, every day until next fucking Tuesday! And best of all--you saved the closest friends for last...That's right--it's only gonna get WORSE, motherfucker! MUCH worse! How do ya like me now?!
I hate it. And I want it to stop.
I understand now why they say reverse culture shock is harder than the first culture shock. It's not about the culture you're returning to. Who gives a shit about that now? You grew up in it, didn't you? No, it's about the three-dozen funerals you attended before you left.
I am not done crying. I fear I may have hardly begun.
7.09.2007
思い直し
前置き：
その授業で，自分にとって大事な物について考えて書いているものです。それから，一番考えて書きたい物を選ぶとテーマになります。そして，｢どうしてそのテーマについて考えて書きたい｣と聞かれています。その質問を答えて自分の動機をよくわかってくると思います。そこで，私のテーマやテーマの動機を説明したいと思います。簡単に言えば，すぐに帰るので，最近それについてよく考えてちょっと悲しくなってきました。そこで，いい経験に集中すると、自分の考え方や気持ちをよくわかってきて直れると思います。
テーマ：
私の決めたテーマは「日本友人のおかげで，日本社会で自他共に許し合った」というテーマです。｢社会で自他共に許し合う｣という文章で色々な意味があると思います。一般的に｢社会に携わって，社会に自然に受けられる｣という意味です。つまり，周りの人は特別な動作や差別しないで自分の存在を自然に受けます。たいてい、人々は自分の生まれた社会で消極的に参加できます。特別な労力しないで，生まれた社会の人々に受けられます。しかし，他人はその社会の外から来たし、習慣がわからないし，社会人に受けるために特別な労力は必要だと思います。積極的に携わったら，ついに社会人に受けられると思います。｢携わる」という単語の具体的な例はその文化の言語を一所懸命勉強したり宗教とか習慣を理解したり，文化的な活動をしたりするということです。しかし、その労力しないで，他人は社会の人々に受けられないと思います。
私の人生観で，｢社会で自他共に許し合う｣というのは大事なものです。子供の頃，何回も引っ越して友達をあまり作れなかったので，私はいつもどこでも｢他人だ｣や｢周りの社会に受けられない｣という感じを持っていました。そして、成長して自分の生活をして友達を作れたけど，その｢他人だ｣という感じがまだ残っていました。その上，アメリカの社会に受けられる気持ちは段々感じてきたが，同時にアメリカの社会に参加したくない気持ちも発達してきました。アメリカの社会とか習慣とか一般的な人々の性格がきらいという気持ちがあったというわけです。
日本に来る前に，｢社会に自他共に許し合う｣という文章が｢全国の人々に自他共に許し合う｣という意味を持っていました。しかし，その時私はそれについてあまり考えていませんでした。実は，そんなに完全に許し合うことは無理だと思います。どこでも行っても，本国人の中で許し合わない人がいます。日本に来た後で，それをわかって来て，私の考え方が変わりました。今，｢社会に自他共に許し合う｣というのは｢仲良く人に受けると，社会で自他共に許し合う｣という意味になりました。友人のサークルという小さい社会と関係してその友人通じて背景にある大きいな普通の社会に受け入れます。つまり，友人との人間関係が発達して，その友人の社会の背景との関係も発達できます。
日本に来た後で，色んな近所に住む友達ができました。友達の習慣とか生活とか人格を一所懸命勉強していたので，彼らをよくわかってきて仲良くなりました。その上，友達が私にもわかってきました。そこで，友達に受けて日本社会で自他共に許し合ったと思います。そして，日本社会で自他共に許し合ったので，私の「他人だ」という感じがなくなってきました。もちろん，まだ外国人だけど，友達の生活に参加できたので，今「他人じゃない」という感じがどんどん増えてきました。つまり，日本社会の外から来たのに，友人のおかげで社会に入られたという感じがあります。それから私は友人に感謝します。
しかし，すぐにアメリカに戻らなければなりません。日本友人から離れるそうです。その上，好きな日本社会からも離れるそうです。それから，最近その問題についてよく考えて寂しくて悲しくなってきました。｢きらいなアメリカ社会に帰りたくない｣という考えが発達しました。日本で，｢私は他人じゃない｣という感じがあるので，もう一度他人になりたくないというわけです。しかし，帰らなければならないのです。恋人が待っているし，大学を卒業したいし，選びがありません。そんな悪い気持ちを持ち帰りたくないけど，どうやってその気持ちを変わりますか。見地とか考え方を変わりたいと思います。
私のテーマに集中して考えて書くと，自分の考え方をよくわかって行くと思います。その後で、自分の気持ちを変わって直れるかもしれません。そして，帰る時「帰りたくない」という気持ちじゃなくて，「帰りたい」という気持ちを持ち帰るかもしれません。私のテーマに中心して考えて書きたいという動機はそれです。
対話レポート：
「考えるための日本語４」という授業の中いるジョンさんという友達と一緒に対話しました。ジョンさんもアメリカ人だから，私の考え方とかアメリカ社会の問題をよくわかると思いました。その上，今学期ジョンさんは仲良くなってきたから，対話相手でジョンさんを選びました。その対話をパソコンで録音して最も面白くて大事な部分を選んで書きました。
第一部：社会に自他共に許し合う
私：ジョンさんの意見で社会に参加することは何ですか。
ジ：私にとって，ビリーさんが書いたように｢他人ではない｣感じがあったら、その社会で入ることができたかもしれません。
私：そして、社会に自他共に許し合うというのはどんな意味がありますか。
ジ：初めて日本の相手に挨拶した後で，相手は私に「日本語か上手ですね」と言うかもしれない。相手はそんなことを言ったら，「あー！外国人だ」とも伝えていると思います。しかし、日本人の二人が会話したら、相手に「日本語が上手ですね」と言わないと思います。その上，初めて日本人と一緒に召し上がったら，時々日本人は「お箸お上手ですね」という。だから，もし僕は日本の社会で自他共に許し合ったら，そんなことは言われていないと思います。
私：そうですね。
ジ：だから相手が僕にそんなことを言わなかったら，僕はちょっと嬉しいと思います。
私：それは｢自然に受ける｣ということですね。
ジ：そうですね。それは「あー。私たちは同じ人間です」と言うことです。
私：なるほどね。
ジ：簡単に，ビリーさんにとって，日本の社会に参加するのはどんな意味ですか。
私：文化的なことをしたり，普通の日本人のように生活を携わったりすることだと思います。
ジ：じゃあ，例えば，相手と一緒にどんなことについて話しますか。
私：実は，最近，文化的なことじゃなくて，普通の仕事とか学校とか恋人などについて会話をしているから，「僕が社会に入れた」という感じがあります。
ジ：うん。なるほど。
私：そんなに表面的な会話〜「あー。日本語か上手」とか「お箸が上手」という会話を通じてもっと深い会話できた。
ジ：もっと普通のことになりましたね。
私：そうそう。
私とジョンさんの「社会に参加する」という定義はあまり違いません。二人は「社会人に特別な動作とか話をもらいないで，自然に受ける」という意味を伝えました。それに私まだ賛成します。ジョンさんが簡単に「私たちは同じ人間だ」と伝えました。一番簡単な伝え方なのに，私にとってそれは一番正しい伝え方です。
————————
第二部：色々な社会の定義
私：私の定義に比べて，ジョンさんにとって，大きいな社会と小さい社会は何ですか？
ジ：大きいな社会って〜例えば，アメリカは広くて，色んな国から来た人がいるから違うところで育っていて〜例えば，アメリカの西海岸はアメリカの他のところよりアジア人が多いと思います。それで，もし中国人が多かったら，アメリカの東海岸に比べると，考え方は何となく違うかもしれません。そんな可能性があると思います。
私：そして，ジョンさんの大きいな社会の定義は全国の人々を含有すると思っていますか。
ジ：そうかもしれません。だって，日本の社会は気を使う社会と言えると思いますが，アメリカの社会は場所によって違いますから，そんなことを言えません。だから，たぶん日本社会は小さい社会かもしれません。
私：小さい社会ですか。
ジ：小さな社会って僕は言ったことがないので，英語でも意味わからないと思います。
私：僕にとって，小さい社会は〜例えば，ジョンさんの卓球のサークルは小さい社会です。人が少なくて皆は同じ興味とか趣味を持っている。もう一つは家族です。
ジ：うん。それで，全国の社会って大きいな社会ですね。
私：そうです。人類学で，最初の社会は家族です。そして，クラブとかサークルとか学校とか会社です。そして，町です。そして，県とか州です。最後は国と世界の人々です。そんな整理があるけど，その定義の中で僕の個人的な定義は小さい社会は家族だけじゃなくて，自分の仲間達とか友人という意味もあります。
第一部の「社会に自他共に許し合う」という考えと関係があると思います。その文章について考えながら，第二部の社会の定義の中で一番大切な意味は「家族とか仲良く人という小さい社会」になります。その小さい社会という定義で，「自他共に許し合う」というのは「仲良く人に自他共に許し合う」という意味になります。
———————————————
第三部：どうやって気持ちを変わる？
私：最後の論点って，どうやって「他人じゃない」という気持ちを持ち帰りますか。あるいは，アメリカで，どうやって「他人じゃない」という気持ちを発展できますか。それについて，よく考えていた。その悪い「帰りたくない」という気持ちがあったから大変寂しくて悲しくなって来た。でも帰らなければならないので，しようがない。そこで，いい気持ちを持ち帰りたい。その上，アメリカで大きいな社会に参加できない気持ちはまだ残っているけど，小さい社会に参加できるかもしれない。そこで，「他人じゃない」という気持ちが発展できる。
ジ：その持ち帰る「他人じゃない」という考えって，それは日本で「他人じゃない」気持ちですか。
私：うん。
ジ：それで、ビリーさんが帰国したら，日本の社会に参加することに対して，他人に戻ると思いますか。
私：そうと思っています。
ジ：アメリカに帰ったら，日本のことはあまり関係ないかもしれません。例えば，今は適当に日本の近所の人と簡単に話すことできて，日本料理屋さんに言いたいことができますね。
私：うん。
ジ：それで、やっぱりこれが日本の社会によく関すると思いますがアメリカに帰ったら，そういうことは簡単にできないかもしれないだから，もしできたら，日本のことをアメリカでも続けると思います。例えば，日本に住んでいる友達に色んな手紙を送る可能性があるしインターネットで日本のドラマとか見えるし，そんなことをやったら、ビリーさんは日本と関係があるからその他人気持ちは強くならないかもしれません。やっぱり，アメリカに帰っていますから日本にいないので，その他人の気持ちが戻るかもしれないけど，それはちょっとしようがないかもしれない。
私：そう。それから心配している。その悪い気持ちを直りたい。実は，最近それについて考えると今の近所と同じようにアメリカの近所で友人を作れるとその小さい社会に参加できる可能性があると思っている。そして，同じように，アメリカの友人通じて大きいな社会と関係が発達できると思っているけど，一番悪いことは，アメリカの社会と関係したくない。アメリカの社会はあまり好きじゃない。どうしてその社会に関係を作らなければいけないのか。
ジ：だって，それはやっぱりアメリカの社会がある国ですからしようがないです。だけど，日本で住んでいる友達と連絡したら，日本の社会のことは経験できるかもしれません。ビリーさんがアメリカで関したくないことに対して、気を使うことって日本の社会でよく入っているけど，アメリカの社会だったら入っていないかもしれません。日本に住んでいる友達とよく連絡したら、その気を使うことも日本の社会の風にできる可能性があると思いますか。
私：もちろん。
ジ：だから、同時にその二つの違う社会で参加していますね。
私：そうですね。
ジ：だからその他人のことは変じゃないか。
私：たぶんね。
ジ：まあ，それで他人にならないですね。
私：たぶんね。両方の社会で参加できるかもしれない。なるほど。
その部分は一番面白いだと思います。ジョンさんが簡単に私の問題の半分を解決したかもしれません。実は，両方の社会に参加できると思っているけど，まだアメリカの社会に関係を発達したくありません。それについてもう少し考えて自分で解決を見つけるかもしれません。それは結論になります。
結論：解決がありますか？
私のテーマについてよく考えていました。「日本友人のおかげで日本社会で自他共に許し合った」というテーマの意味をよく考えて，対話相手とともに話して，それにも考えました。一番大事な意味を段々わかってきました。それは「日本人の親しい友達を作って，その友達通じて彼らの背景にある社会に受けられた」という意味になりました。そこで，自分の社会で感じた「僕は他人」という気持ちがなくなってきました。
しかし、すぐにアメリカに帰らなければなりません。大好きな友人と日本社会と離れるそうだし，アメリカで他人だと感じるし，帰りたくないけどしかたがありません。そこで，悪い感じを持ち帰らないように，そのテーマに集中して，「帰りたい」という感じを発達したかったのです。
そのために，動機文を書いて，対話をしました。授業の｢ジョンさん｣という友達との対話で、色々な面白い話ができました。対話での大事なポイントは三個になりました。一番目は二人の「社会に自他共に許し合う」という定義になりました。二人はそのポイントでよく賛成しました。簡単に言えば，ジョンさんが言ったように「あー。私たちは同じ人間だ」という意味です。つまり，どこでも行っても，場所の人々は差別しないで，自分の存在を自然に受けます。
その意味に関して，「社会」という定義を議論して、一つの大事な意味になりました。大きいな全国の社会じゃなくて，家族とか仲間達という小さい社会です。その定義が最初のポイントを変わりました。その結果，「社会に自他共に許し合う」というのは「仲良く人に自他共に許し合う」という意味になりました。もう一度，ジョンさんの「同じ人間だ」という伝え方と関係があります。
最後のポイントで，私の一番大事な質問を聞きました。どうやってその悪い「帰りたくない」という気持ちを変わりますか。その後で，最も面白い話が付いて行きました。ジョンさんに簡単な助言をもらいました。それは、インターネットとか手紙を使って日本の友人の関係を続いて，アメリカで日本のように友人を作ると，両方の社会で参加するという助言でした。私は「ピン」と気付きました。対話第二部のように「アメリカ社会」というのは大きいな全国の社会じゃなくて、アメリカの友人とか自分の家族という小さい社会です。そこで、日本と同じようにアメリカの友人通じてアメリカ社会と関係できる。ついに，両方の社会に自他共に許し合うかもしれません。
しかし、頭が良い助言なのに、それは解決の半分だけでした。｢アメリカの社会がきらいだから，参加したくない｣という問題はまだ残っていました。しかし、その時から考えて，解決を見つけたかもしれません。
それです。日本で私は日本の友人の小さい社会通じて日本の大きいな社会に自他共に許し合って「他人じゃない」という感じができました。それと同じように、アメリカの友人の小さい社会通じてアメリカの大きいな社会と関係できます。あそこの「僕は他人」という気持ちがなくなるかもしれません。そして、その友人の見地でアメリカ社会を見れば、彼らの意見に乗れます。私の意見を変わったら，「アメリカ社会に参加したくない」という気持ちは「参加したい」という感じになるかもしれません。それを試みたいと思います。そこで，「帰りたくない」という感じがなくなって行って，「帰って，実験したい」という感じが発達して行きます。
7.07.2007
Kabuki Shakespeare
Experienced another last (as opposed to a first) tonight. Went to Kabuki-za and saw an amazingly graceful adaptation of Shakespeare's "12th Night." I didn't really know the original very well, but what's to know? It's a Shakespearean comedy--you've read three or four of them and you've read them all. Transgender heroine, mistaken identities, and Love triumphant (but no bit with a dog). All done with the disciplined movements and stunning costumes that make kabuki what it is (for me). This was my third show at Kabuki-za and my last before departure. As always, charming.
After the show, I taped my segment for the time capsule DVD we're making for the 10 year reunion that people are already planning (as if people will still be using DVDs in 10 years--HA!). What's your best memory of the year's group activities? What message do you have for the group? What message do you have for yourself in ten years? You can wait for the video, honestly. I thought about my replies for a few weeks, off and on, so I was able to crank out my answers and stay well-within the five-minute time limit. I'd be surprised if I used even two minutes. Me? Terse?? I know it's hard to believe.
Tomorrow, I have to work at the Temple all day. It's never back-breaking labor, just dull and I'd rather be writing that report--or at least doing the preparatory reading for same. Meh. Instead, I'll spend most of Monday and Tuesday working on it, alongside editing my paper for Japanese (for the umpteenth time).
Someone's getting tired and cranky.
After the show, I taped my segment for the time capsule DVD we're making for the 10 year reunion that people are already planning (as if people will still be using DVDs in 10 years--HA!). What's your best memory of the year's group activities? What message do you have for the group? What message do you have for yourself in ten years? You can wait for the video, honestly. I thought about my replies for a few weeks, off and on, so I was able to crank out my answers and stay well-within the five-minute time limit. I'd be surprised if I used even two minutes. Me? Terse?? I know it's hard to believe.
Tomorrow, I have to work at the Temple all day. It's never back-breaking labor, just dull and I'd rather be writing that report--or at least doing the preparatory reading for same. Meh. Instead, I'll spend most of Monday and Tuesday working on it, alongside editing my paper for Japanese (for the umpteenth time).
Someone's getting tired and cranky.
7.06.2007
Hisashiburi! (Long time, no see!)
The countdown for returning to the land of the "free" has begun. Although I have avoided thinking about my return (because I was dreading it), as of this week, I can actually imagine it and I'm looking forward to it just the tiniest bit. Thanks go to Greg and Oliver for helping to adjust my worldview.
My ill-fated attempt to podcast from Japan was interesting until I ran out of time last semester, which happened amazingly quickly. For the record, I have never done such a large volume of homework in a single semester in my whole college career--and 85% of it was for a single class. Stinking Japanese language teacher! Anyway, this semester has provided more in the way of free time but by now I feel it's more than a little late to get back to the podcast. So much has happened that just telling the back-stories for current events would take up most of my airtime. Suffice to say, there's no way I could tell everything even if I was podcasting weekly this whole time. How do you explain the experience of walking down a strange street, breathing air with qualities you don't even know how to describe? How do you describe emotions you have no vocabulary for? How do you put into words experiences that you don't even entirely understand but that will mark you for life?
Besides, after 10 months of living in Tokyo, I find that my English language skills have deteriorated drastically. I can't tell you how often now I have to pause in mid-conversation to remember a word. e.g "You know that furry animal...not a dog but a ..." "A cat?" "Yeah, that's it!" You may notice my written grammar is a little strange, too. Or maybe you won't. I know David has busted me in conversation saying things that would be grammatically correct in Japanese but with English words. You have to switch the vocab AND the grammar when you're code-switching. Duh!
I have been journaling on paper pretty consistently this semester and I promise to get it all up here eventually--once the statute of limitations runs out on a couple items. It's been worthwhile to be able to process the emotional load that comes with the journey home, which I have actually been working on since school started this semester. I have been kicking and screaming all the way until this week. Now, I'm only kicking a little. I have been writing about it--pages and pages!--for this semester's Japanese class, but you can't probably read that. Suffice to say, I've been working through my issues in that class as much as in my journal. So, lots of emotionally healthy shit going on. That's for the best, in light of the six months' reverse-culture shock depression I've been told to expect. Oh, poor Boyfriend! You thought living without me for ten months was hard. Living WITH me again is going to be more of a challenge, I fear.
And what are those issues regarding returning to the States? Well...I had been eager to leave the country ever since the Chimp was elected, for a start. I felt like we had somehow elected Adolf Hitler and I haven't been too far off, looking at his record on constitutional rights, the war, and how badly he has pulled the wool over the eyes of the global public. I had come to find most of American "culture" distasteful in the extreme. I had found the majority of Americans to be loud, rude, insincere, shallow, vain, self-centered, and inconsiderate. And that was before I came here. Then, I came here and found people who are (in general) quiet, diligent, patient, considerate of each other (not just people they know, but everyone around them), generous, polite to a fault, sophisticated, ceremonious, and who have a Culture. I found myself fitting in with them amazingly well. I was adopted by a significant number of my neighborhood's denizens and made to feel as if I belonged here, something I have rarely felt in America. I have made more real friends in the last ten months than I made in the previous three years in San Francisco. I have made a life here that makes my previous existence in San Francisco seem stupid and shallow even to me. Not that there aren't issues in this culture, too. But I'd permanently trade cultural issues in a heartbeat, if there was a way I could do it with my husband here too.
So what to do? There aren't any options, at this point. I HAVE to go back: I've kept my husband and my dog waiting far too long, my visa expires as of Sept. 11, I'd like to get that bachelor's degree some time this decade. So I have to learn to accept the fact of my imminent return and find a way to actually look forward to it. I can't hide out in my apartment, only associating with David and Della once I get back. I'm going to have to be a part of the society around me, without being constantly made furious by it, hopefully. I'm going to have to use the friends I have in Ca. as a conduit to connect to the rest of American society as I have used my friends here to connect to the rest of Japanese society.
Wow. That sounds very different in English. But it's simple truth. My friendships here have permitted me to feel like an insider in ways I rarely felt in the States. We often spoke of group-think and like ideas in relation to Earth Orbit and its various spin-offs. But nothing makes you feel like part of something larger than doing something culturally and traditionally significant with 300+ people (many of whom you know personally), all doing the same activity, all cheering each other on, all jumping on the same foot at the same time. I felt integrated into a community the way I never felt a part of "the gay community," or my neighborhood in SF, or my various work communities, or my circle of college friends.
Still, in many ways, I've been thinking of that particular occasion as something of a culminating experience for me here. I had another with Greg and Oliver when we went to the most amazing onsen I've seen since arrival--history and tradition up to here! I have a few more in the coming weeks to look forward to: fireworks over the Sumida River a block away, seen from my best gal's roof; three hour boat tour of Tokyo Bay, with all-you-can-drink and all-you-can-eat tempura dinner; one last all-nighter in boys' town; the going-away party here in the 'hood.
And then...maybe I'll be ready to go. Or maybe not.
My ill-fated attempt to podcast from Japan was interesting until I ran out of time last semester, which happened amazingly quickly. For the record, I have never done such a large volume of homework in a single semester in my whole college career--and 85% of it was for a single class. Stinking Japanese language teacher! Anyway, this semester has provided more in the way of free time but by now I feel it's more than a little late to get back to the podcast. So much has happened that just telling the back-stories for current events would take up most of my airtime. Suffice to say, there's no way I could tell everything even if I was podcasting weekly this whole time. How do you explain the experience of walking down a strange street, breathing air with qualities you don't even know how to describe? How do you describe emotions you have no vocabulary for? How do you put into words experiences that you don't even entirely understand but that will mark you for life?
Besides, after 10 months of living in Tokyo, I find that my English language skills have deteriorated drastically. I can't tell you how often now I have to pause in mid-conversation to remember a word. e.g "You know that furry animal...not a dog but a ..." "A cat?" "Yeah, that's it!" You may notice my written grammar is a little strange, too. Or maybe you won't. I know David has busted me in conversation saying things that would be grammatically correct in Japanese but with English words. You have to switch the vocab AND the grammar when you're code-switching. Duh!
I have been journaling on paper pretty consistently this semester and I promise to get it all up here eventually--once the statute of limitations runs out on a couple items. It's been worthwhile to be able to process the emotional load that comes with the journey home, which I have actually been working on since school started this semester. I have been kicking and screaming all the way until this week. Now, I'm only kicking a little. I have been writing about it--pages and pages!--for this semester's Japanese class, but you can't probably read that. Suffice to say, I've been working through my issues in that class as much as in my journal. So, lots of emotionally healthy shit going on. That's for the best, in light of the six months' reverse-culture shock depression I've been told to expect. Oh, poor Boyfriend! You thought living without me for ten months was hard. Living WITH me again is going to be more of a challenge, I fear.
And what are those issues regarding returning to the States? Well...I had been eager to leave the country ever since the Chimp was elected, for a start. I felt like we had somehow elected Adolf Hitler and I haven't been too far off, looking at his record on constitutional rights, the war, and how badly he has pulled the wool over the eyes of the global public. I had come to find most of American "culture" distasteful in the extreme. I had found the majority of Americans to be loud, rude, insincere, shallow, vain, self-centered, and inconsiderate. And that was before I came here. Then, I came here and found people who are (in general) quiet, diligent, patient, considerate of each other (not just people they know, but everyone around them), generous, polite to a fault, sophisticated, ceremonious, and who have a Culture. I found myself fitting in with them amazingly well. I was adopted by a significant number of my neighborhood's denizens and made to feel as if I belonged here, something I have rarely felt in America. I have made more real friends in the last ten months than I made in the previous three years in San Francisco. I have made a life here that makes my previous existence in San Francisco seem stupid and shallow even to me. Not that there aren't issues in this culture, too. But I'd permanently trade cultural issues in a heartbeat, if there was a way I could do it with my husband here too.
So what to do? There aren't any options, at this point. I HAVE to go back: I've kept my husband and my dog waiting far too long, my visa expires as of Sept. 11, I'd like to get that bachelor's degree some time this decade. So I have to learn to accept the fact of my imminent return and find a way to actually look forward to it. I can't hide out in my apartment, only associating with David and Della once I get back. I'm going to have to be a part of the society around me, without being constantly made furious by it, hopefully. I'm going to have to use the friends I have in Ca. as a conduit to connect to the rest of American society as I have used my friends here to connect to the rest of Japanese society.
Wow. That sounds very different in English. But it's simple truth. My friendships here have permitted me to feel like an insider in ways I rarely felt in the States. We often spoke of group-think and like ideas in relation to Earth Orbit and its various spin-offs. But nothing makes you feel like part of something larger than doing something culturally and traditionally significant with 300+ people (many of whom you know personally), all doing the same activity, all cheering each other on, all jumping on the same foot at the same time. I felt integrated into a community the way I never felt a part of "the gay community," or my neighborhood in SF, or my various work communities, or my circle of college friends.
Still, in many ways, I've been thinking of that particular occasion as something of a culminating experience for me here. I had another with Greg and Oliver when we went to the most amazing onsen I've seen since arrival--history and tradition up to here! I have a few more in the coming weeks to look forward to: fireworks over the Sumida River a block away, seen from my best gal's roof; three hour boat tour of Tokyo Bay, with all-you-can-drink and all-you-can-eat tempura dinner; one last all-nighter in boys' town; the going-away party here in the 'hood.
And then...maybe I'll be ready to go. Or maybe not.
10.15.2006
Episode 3: Shinjuku Ni-choume Report
Welcome back! The long-awaited report on our adventures in Shinjuku is finally ready, along with some other stuff.
Click it.
Click it.
9.29.2006
Episode 2
Howdy, gang! Welcome back! Here's the second episode for your enjoyment and edification. Click me, dammit!
9.20.2006
9.17.2006
The First, At Last
I know everyone has been eagerly awaiting my first entry from Tokyo. Here it is, at last. I wrote this originally, using a word processor, then moved it to here. I will add on to it as I can. The last week has been busy-busy-busy and I didn't get an internet connection until last night. No WiFi cafes in Tokyo. Who knew?
* * *
11:45am, 9/11/06
Saying good-bye to my husband was very difficult. Neither of us cried, which surprised me. I was expecting to lose it and only avoided it by iron control and joking. Even now, I have to stop thinking about it.
Airport security was a breeze—get naked, bend over, take a deeeep breath, and relax. Seriously though, they were so concerned with their possible bomb threats that I could have been carrying half a kilo of cocaine strapped to my inner thigh and they would never have noticed. I found my gate and realized I still had 1.5 hours to murder, so I’m now having the first cocktail in a bar near the gate. Wireless access is available—for a fee, of course. So, I’ll wait to post this until I get to the Hotel Sunroute Takadanobaba, in hopes that theirs will be free for guests. There’s no smoking lounge once inside security so I can either brave that line all over again or tough it out. What a difficult decision!
Aah. That cocktail is already taking the edge off my nerves. I’m feeling a slight reduction in the tendency of every muscle in my body to CLENCH! And, by the way, pizza and Indian food the day before a major airplane trip is a gut-wrenchingly bad idea. As if nerves aren’t challenge enough to the gut. What was I thinking?
Well, I’ve managed to waste some time. One more trip to the bathroom, and it’ll be time to settle into my parking spot by the gate. Taking a deep breath and relaxing.
9/12/06 1:48pm
Good God! Will this flight never end?! I’ve watched every movie they offer, my book is boring as can be, I’m fidgety, and we still have ~2.5 hours to go. Judging by the video screen maps, we appear to be about ¾ of the way there. But—Christ!--my tailbone hurts. When I do finally stand up, my knees are gonna creak like a haunted house door.
9/13/06 6:42am
Where to begin? We were met as we exited customs and immigration at the airport by Kazaoka-sensei, Shek-sensei, a bunch of Waseda students, members of the Rainbow International Club, and my friend Yukako, Kazaoka-sensei’s daughter who I met at SFSU. We waited around in the airport lobby until everyone came through, then loaded onto a big limo bus for the drive into Tokyo. The weather was very cloudy and muggy, with light rain.
Most of the trip in from the airport was in darkness and looked much like any stretch of California freeway, with two major exceptions: we were driving on the OTHER side of the freeway (a little unnerving at first) and the signs were in both English and Japanese. The approach to Tokyo was indicated by a great slowing down of traffic and a general increase in the height of buildings. The trip from the airport to the Hotel Sunroute Takadanobaba lasted about 2 hours. We couldn’t park the bus in front of the hotel, so we had to park around the corner and haul our luggage through the light rain (which honestly felt good in the muggy heat). The check-in process went very smoothly for a group of our size (24 students and Kazaoka-sensei) and we got to run up to our rooms and drop off luggage. Then we all went across the street to a Shakey’s Pizza (yes, Shakey’s! I haven’t been inside a Shakey’s Pizza since I was a little kid.). Now, that was a bizarre little bit of Americana: beer in pitchers, pizza (but not quite American pizza), straw hats on the staff…very surreal. Then, we were on our own for the remainder of the evening.
I wandered off in search of who-knows-what with a small group. We just strolled around the immediate neighborhood of the hotel. Even at that time of the evening (after 10pm local, 4am PST), Takadanobaba was booming—people everywhere, buses and trains going, shops all open and doing business. Behind the main streets of the area, there are all these tiny little streets that lead off into the middles of blocks. These are mixed residential and commercial streets, usually just wide enough to permit a very small Japanese car to pass but primarily for the use of peds and cyclists. People live in the cutest little apartment buildings in these areas. There are also adorable little single family dwellings that look considerably older than the rest of the buildings. Everything seems so clean and well-ordered. Every few buildings, there’s a little convenience store or tiny neighborhood bar (We actually found a couple that I had read aboutbefore coming here!). People were walking or riding home from work or shopping, sitting in the little bars and noodle shops--everyone going about their business so quietly. An American neighborhood that was still that active at that time of the night would be much noisier. I noticed very little noise coming from houses and bars and I kept telling the kids I was walking around with to keep it down. (I’m determined to avoid the loud-rude-American stereotype as much as I can.)
The district we’re staying in, Takadanobaba, is pretty close to the school. In fact, we’ll be walking to the school in the rain later this morning. After a terrible night’s sleep (in which my roommate Micah and I woke up every couple of hours for no apparent reason and finally just got up around 5:30 am), I’m sitting in a coffee shop that I can’t remember the name of, drinking a pretty mediocre machine-made latte, and typing away, trying to capture the magic before it gets swallowed by the busy-ness of the day. It’s still raining but I bought a cheap-ass umbrella last night which should be enough for the next couple days. We’re meeting in the hotel restaurant at 8am for breakfast and going to school for the beginning of orientation. Now, I’m going to stop typing so I can enjoy a cigarette with my coffee--INDOORS! WAH-HA-HA-HA!!
* * *
11:45am, 9/11/06
Saying good-bye to my husband was very difficult. Neither of us cried, which surprised me. I was expecting to lose it and only avoided it by iron control and joking. Even now, I have to stop thinking about it.
Airport security was a breeze—get naked, bend over, take a deeeep breath, and relax. Seriously though, they were so concerned with their possible bomb threats that I could have been carrying half a kilo of cocaine strapped to my inner thigh and they would never have noticed. I found my gate and realized I still had 1.5 hours to murder, so I’m now having the first cocktail in a bar near the gate. Wireless access is available—for a fee, of course. So, I’ll wait to post this until I get to the Hotel Sunroute Takadanobaba, in hopes that theirs will be free for guests. There’s no smoking lounge once inside security so I can either brave that line all over again or tough it out. What a difficult decision!
Aah. That cocktail is already taking the edge off my nerves. I’m feeling a slight reduction in the tendency of every muscle in my body to CLENCH! And, by the way, pizza and Indian food the day before a major airplane trip is a gut-wrenchingly bad idea. As if nerves aren’t challenge enough to the gut. What was I thinking?
Well, I’ve managed to waste some time. One more trip to the bathroom, and it’ll be time to settle into my parking spot by the gate. Taking a deep breath and relaxing.
9/12/06 1:48pm
Good God! Will this flight never end?! I’ve watched every movie they offer, my book is boring as can be, I’m fidgety, and we still have ~2.5 hours to go. Judging by the video screen maps, we appear to be about ¾ of the way there. But—Christ!--my tailbone hurts. When I do finally stand up, my knees are gonna creak like a haunted house door.
9/13/06 6:42am
Where to begin? We were met as we exited customs and immigration at the airport by Kazaoka-sensei, Shek-sensei, a bunch of Waseda students, members of the Rainbow International Club, and my friend Yukako, Kazaoka-sensei’s daughter who I met at SFSU. We waited around in the airport lobby until everyone came through, then loaded onto a big limo bus for the drive into Tokyo. The weather was very cloudy and muggy, with light rain.
Most of the trip in from the airport was in darkness and looked much like any stretch of California freeway, with two major exceptions: we were driving on the OTHER side of the freeway (a little unnerving at first) and the signs were in both English and Japanese. The approach to Tokyo was indicated by a great slowing down of traffic and a general increase in the height of buildings. The trip from the airport to the Hotel Sunroute Takadanobaba lasted about 2 hours. We couldn’t park the bus in front of the hotel, so we had to park around the corner and haul our luggage through the light rain (which honestly felt good in the muggy heat). The check-in process went very smoothly for a group of our size (24 students and Kazaoka-sensei) and we got to run up to our rooms and drop off luggage. Then we all went across the street to a Shakey’s Pizza (yes, Shakey’s! I haven’t been inside a Shakey’s Pizza since I was a little kid.). Now, that was a bizarre little bit of Americana: beer in pitchers, pizza (but not quite American pizza), straw hats on the staff…very surreal. Then, we were on our own for the remainder of the evening.
I wandered off in search of who-knows-what with a small group. We just strolled around the immediate neighborhood of the hotel. Even at that time of the evening (after 10pm local, 4am PST), Takadanobaba was booming—people everywhere, buses and trains going, shops all open and doing business. Behind the main streets of the area, there are all these tiny little streets that lead off into the middles of blocks. These are mixed residential and commercial streets, usually just wide enough to permit a very small Japanese car to pass but primarily for the use of peds and cyclists. People live in the cutest little apartment buildings in these areas. There are also adorable little single family dwellings that look considerably older than the rest of the buildings. Everything seems so clean and well-ordered. Every few buildings, there’s a little convenience store or tiny neighborhood bar (We actually found a couple that I had read aboutbefore coming here!). People were walking or riding home from work or shopping, sitting in the little bars and noodle shops--everyone going about their business so quietly. An American neighborhood that was still that active at that time of the night would be much noisier. I noticed very little noise coming from houses and bars and I kept telling the kids I was walking around with to keep it down. (I’m determined to avoid the loud-rude-American stereotype as much as I can.)
The district we’re staying in, Takadanobaba, is pretty close to the school. In fact, we’ll be walking to the school in the rain later this morning. After a terrible night’s sleep (in which my roommate Micah and I woke up every couple of hours for no apparent reason and finally just got up around 5:30 am), I’m sitting in a coffee shop that I can’t remember the name of, drinking a pretty mediocre machine-made latte, and typing away, trying to capture the magic before it gets swallowed by the busy-ness of the day. It’s still raining but I bought a cheap-ass umbrella last night which should be enough for the next couple days. We’re meeting in the hotel restaurant at 8am for breakfast and going to school for the beginning of orientation. Now, I’m going to stop typing so I can enjoy a cigarette with my coffee--INDOORS! WAH-HA-HA-HA!!
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